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Study Finds Tulare County Leads Nation In Child Molesters, Hot Kids

MIAMI, FL - According to a report released by the FBI on Monday, Florida’s Tulare County has the highest number of registered child sex offenders per capita than any other county in the nation. The report also found that the county has an inordinately high number of really freakin’ hot kids. The state’s bureau chief, Roger Myers, announced the findings at a press conference held in the auditorium of St. Francis’s Middle School. He stated that the high proportion of Tier II and Tier III hot kids (those most likely to attract pedophiles) “draws the Mr. McFeely’s like a moth to the flame.” He warned parents, “Maybe there’s something in the water, maybe it’s the proliferation of church groups and little leagues, maybe it’s the heat that let’s parents think that they can let their little boys run around barechested in cut-off jeans. In any case, whatever hormones they’re putting in beef that makes little girls’ titties pop out, you better stop serving it to ‘em.”