oliver saria

Beth, I know we’ve had our troubles lately. You kept accusing me of hating women while I resented you for your busy schedule after you went back to school. I know it’s been a while since we’ve talked, but I’ve grown during this time apart. And although I know that I still have a long way to go, I’m here to tell you now that lesbian porn sure cured my misogyny.

Who’s to say that we’d even be in this mess had you never taken that Intro to Feminism class. Maybe you wouldn’t have freaked out so hard when you discovered my All Holes Filled and Bukkake Cum Sluts collection. But what’s done is done. And, frankly, I’m glad you found them. After you ran off calling me a “misogynist,” I decided to take a good, long, hard look at all the porn I bought. Sixteen hours, two boxes of Kleenex, and an unprecedented post-breakup wanking binge-fest later I decided that it was time to turn over a new leaf. From that point on – nothing but girl-on-girl for me.

At first, all the rug-bumping really did nothing for me. “Had my distaste for women really progressed this far?” I thought to myself. I felt like giving up, like running back to the comfort and familiarity of a six-deep circle jerk. Who knew going veggie would be so difficult? But then I decided that I didn’t have to be so tough on myself. After all, a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. In this case, that single step came in the form of ass-to-ass. I worked on those scenes for a while until I could get my rocks off of single strap-ons and rim jobs. A turning point occurred when I glimpsed a five-decker taco and finally understood that women, stacked in some kind of naked pyramid formation, could really hold up half the sky. Eventually, I didn’t need a phallus in the scene at all. I’m proud to say that I’ve progressed so far that a flash of pink is all I need to make the night complete, thank you very much!

Look, Beth. I know that I have many more shortcomings. I never claimed to be perfect. In my own defense, Lord knows you could be a total twat when you felt like it. But I digress. I just hope that I have at least proven to you that I’m making an honest effort at becoming a better man. Now that I’ve licked misogyny, I can focus on other areas of improvement - my apparent homophobia, for example. On that front, I really need you to guide me because, to be honest, I don’t know how you could accuse me of being afraid of homosexuals. After all, I keep telling you over and over that I can kick any fag’s ass!