oliver saria

Prenatal Tips: Caring for Your Unwanted Baby
• By week 16-18, you should have your first sonogram to determine fetal abnormalities that may cause you and your baby undue hardships like chromosomal defects, anomalous pulmonary venous connection, or - if you live in India, China, or Sub-Saharan Africa - a vagina.
• Your baby’s developing brain benefits from a stimulating, learning environment … so don’t drop out of high school just yet. Go ahead and enjoy the prom!
• Talk to the adoption agency like now. Don’t assume they’ll just come and pick up the little bundle of joy in the bathroom stall.
• Should you desire to determine your “baby daddy,” fetal DNA tests are safe and reliable. What wasn’t so safe and reliable was him pulling out and busting a nut on your stomach.
• Be aware that weight gain can cause unsightly stretch marks. This can be prevented by regularly applying cocoa butter to your expanding belly … or, hey, just get back on the crank, fatty.
• For working mothers, pregnancy doesn’t necessarily mean the end of your career. Unless the bishop finds out, then you’re screwed.
• If you really want to “take care” of your unwanted baby, call Planned Parenthood while it’s still safe and legal.